The voluntary change?
by Snow White'84
Summary: *Note: No romance* FINALLY COMPLETE: Ponyboy didn't get over the death of his best friends Johnny and Dally. He felt guilty of their death. And so he had to learn to cope with that and his own life...
1. Prologue

_I don't own The Outsiders._

I'm not sure if the comma use is always right. I've got quite a few problems with it... And I guess with the grammar, as well. Let alone the language. So, if you find any mistakes, please let me know :)

_This story is set after the book. __

* * *

_

**The voluntary change?**

1. Prologue

Ponyboy didn't get over the death of his best friends Johnny and Dally.

The tragedy happened now seven month ago.

Ponyboy felt guilty of their death, of all what it's about.

If he, Johnny and Dally wouldn't have met Cherry and Marcia at the movie house, their boyfriends wouldn't be angry with them.  
And if he wouldn't go to the lot with Johnny and fallen asleep there, so Darry wouldn't be mad and hit him.  
And if Darry hadn't hit him that night, he wouldn't run back to the lot and run away with Johnny into the park.  
And there he and Johnny wouldn't be jumped by the five Socs so that Johnny was forced to kill one of them to leave them alone. This one, who jumped Johnny before and got him the scar into his face.  
And if they hadn't killed that boy, they wouldn't run away, to the Windrixville church. And they wouldn't spend many days and nights there until Dally visited them at this one day.  
And if they didn't come back to the church, they wouldn't know anything about the fire.  
And if he didn't run into the old church to rescue these kids from the fire, Johnny never would follow to help him. So Johnny never would hitten by the burning beam and die after that in the hospital.  
And if he wouldn't die, Dally wouldn't run away, rob this store and wouldn't shoot to death by the fuzz.  
So, both of his friends still could be alive if he didn't make everything wrong.  
He was to blame for it that both must the, only he.

Every night he got nightmares about these incidents. And he always woke up screaming and sweating. But nobody noticed it. Even Sodapop didn't know about Ponyboy's nightmares. And Ponyboy didn't tell him anything.

So he fought all alone against his nightmares, his shame and his guilty.


	2. A quite ordinary morning

2. A quite ordinary morning

"Ponyboy, you must get up, otherwise you gonna be too late for school again!" Darry yelled from the kitchen to his kid brother, who opened his eyes grumpily, made a face and then really got up. Then Pony looked at the bed of his other brother Sodapop. This one was already gotten up. With a yawn he turned to the kitchen.

"Mornin', Ponyboy!" Darry greeted him and turned to the breakfast again.

"Mornin'..." Ponyboy growled to himself and sat down bored on the table.  
Actually, he wouldn't get up and go to school today at all. He'd rather stay in bed for ever. Besides, he had very strong stomachache already for few days and that was why he actually wouldn't eat anything.

"Hey Darry, have ya seen my DX-shirt?" Sodapop shouted.

"Superman washed it too hot. So it shrank and he changed it into a cleanin' rag!" sounded from the living room.

"Haha, Two-Bit, very funny!" Sodapop replied and leaned against the door-case.

Two-Bit grinned and turned to his beer, his cake and the TV again, where 'Mickey Mouse' ran, as usual.

Steve sat next to him. He looked now at Sodapop and meant grinning, "Well, you really can go to work like that for a change. There the girls wanna come in a crowd all the more! But could ya perhaps hurry up now?"

"I'll do, but I only search for my shirt. And if I would know now, where it is, we would be 'way long ago." With that Sodapop turned to Darry.

This one only answered, "Well, if it's not in your room, then it'll be still in the dryer."

"Ok, I'll check it." Sodapop replied and turned again in the direction of the bath.

"Mornin', Kid!" he greeted his kid brother and ruffled Pony's still 'ungreased' hair.

"Hey!" this one complained. "You know I hate when I'm called 'Kid' and I don't like people touchin' my hair!" Ponyboy said mad.

"What has spoiled your mood, buddy? What's the matter?" Sodapop asked worried and looked at his kid brother.

"Soda, we must go..." Steve shouted to him and rolled his eyes.  
He still didn't like Ponyboy better than before.

"Steve's right. Otherwise you'll come too late! And Ponyboy should hurry up himself too. Otherwise he gonna be too late again!" Darry said and put a plate in front of Pony.

"Ok." Soda said and went into the bath and then into his room, where he shortly after that returned with his shirt. "We can go." he said grinning to Steve, who rose up.

"Goodbye, guys!" Steve said to the others.

"Bye, see ya later!" Soda said, too. "Bye Ponyboy!" he said to his brother. This one didn't reply anything, but only sat in front of his plate and picked listless at his breakfast. Sodapop looked at him disappointed and left also the house.

"So, the both were 'way. Ponyboy, please hurry up a bit!" Darry turned now to Ponyboy. This one pushed his plate from him. "What's up? Doesn't it taste? You must eat somethin'..."

"I'm not hungry, don't like to eat anythin'!" this one replied and got up.

"Wait, buddy! At first, you tell me what it is, before you get up and go 'way!" Darry grabbed him by the arm and watched him piercingly.

"There's nothin'! And now let me go!" Pony hissed.

Darry slowly boiled with rage. What was gotten into this kid? But then Darry only growled and let Ponyboy really go. This one turned around and walked into his room to get his things for school.

Then he walked to the front door and put on his jacket while he walked. "Pony!" Darry yelled behind him.

"What?" he asked and turned around.

"Here, buy yourself somethin' to eat!" Darry answered and pressed him some money into his hand.

"Yeah..." Pony replied and put the money unnoticed into his pocket.

"Two-Bit? Wouldn't you go along with Pony now?" Darry asked.

"Nope, sorry, Pony. I'll come later. Just have to watch Mickey till the end! But go on already..." Two-Bit answered, while he stared further spellbound at the TV.

"I don't need anybody, who accompany me and take care of me!" Pony murmured and then he turned to the front door. And before Darry could say something to him, he was gone without saying anything else. With a shake of the head Darry looked behind him.


	3. The destiny takes its course

_myhubbyisob:_ well, I'm sorry that you can't understand it. But let me explain it: there's something going on with Pony, but I won't say much more, because you'll know it the chapter after this ;)

_animalsarelife:_ thanks for your review :) well, here's the next chapter...

* * *

3. The destiny takes its course

Ponyboy walked to school. There he endured the lessons bored. It was quite impossible to him to concentrate on that, what the teachers said. He still had stomachache.

"Ponyboy Curtis! Would you mind to answer my question?" He was torn out of his thoughts.

With wide opened eyes he stared at his teacher and stammered, "Um, sorry, Ms. Winter. I didn't listen..."

"I noticed that." she replied and looked at Pony strictly. But when she noticed that there was something wrong with him, her face relaxed and she asked, "Are you all right, Ponyboy? You look terrible pale..."

"No, Ms. Winter, I'm not feeling very well. I've stomachache for a few days..."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe you should go home and see a doctor."

"Maybe..." Pony agreed.

"Yes, that will be the best, I think. Shall I let someone know?"

"No, thanks, I wanna call my brother to pick me up." Ponyboy said and left his class room.

He really would follow the advice of his teacher and go to a doctor, but he wouldn't call his brother. That was why he set off lost in thoughts to a doctor.  
So he didn't notice that he was pursued.

He just turned around when he heard somebody talk behind him, "Well, well, what do you know! Ain't that one of the Greasers, who stabbed our friend Bob in cold blood?" The voice made him wince.  
He turned around scared and saw them: 3 Socs in a just too well-known blue mustang!

Pony swore quietly to himself and thought about how he should get out of this situation, because he really wasn't now in the mood to pick a quarrel with the 3 Socs, above all not with 3 at the same time.  
He remembered still too well how this ended last time.  
And he didn't have a knife or something else with him, with that he could defend himself.  
So he stared at the 3 Socs with pinched eyes and full of hate.

"Hey, you're right, that's he! Well, Greaser, you still wanna regret to kill our friend!" With that the car stopped and the 3 climbed out. Pony used this and ran away.

"He make off, the small rat! Just you wait! We'll already catch him!" one of the Socs swore and they took up the pursuit.

"Hey, wait. Let's chase him with the car! This little rascal won't escape from us!" another answered and so swung again into the car and drove after Ponyboy.

"Well, great, today really seems to be my lucky day!" Pony murmured, while he ran away from the Socs.

"There, there he is!" he heard one of the Socs shout and he speeded up his flight.

He didn't notice that he directly ran to a hospital. To that hospital Johnny died! Just when he was shortly in front of it and looked up, he noticed it. He only made a face and ran straight to it.  
He hoped that the Socs wouldn't dare to attack him in the hospital. So he ran into the hospital and waited uncertain behind the door for the reaction of the Socs.

These just stopped with the car and one scolded, "Shit, he got away!" And he spat at the ground, while he stared at Pony.

"That's nothing helpful for this damned Greaser. One day we'll catch him, alone and without his Greaser-friends, that could come to help him. Then he'll be done for!" another one growled.  
And so they drove away with a last glance at Pony, who breathed out relieved and turned around.

"Well, I wanna see a doctor and now I'm in a hospital. Certainly I'll find here one, too..." he said and ambled through the hospital.

"Hey, boy! Wait!" Ponyboy turned around frightened and looked at the doctor, who came up to him.


	4. Bad news

Thanks for your reviews :)  
I tried to correct my mistakes but still I'm not sure if there were all of them. So, if you still find any, please, please let me know, thanks :)  
And sorry for my bad english! I'll try to improve it...

_myhubbyisob: _oh, I'm sorry, I misunderstood you.  
I already guessed that this wasn't a flame. Thank you for your advice:)  
I hope to make it better in the future :)

_Mrs Heero Yuy:_ Thanks :)  
I read the first chapter again and found many errors, too. Hope, I corrected them all...  
Yeah, a beta reader will be helpful, but I haven't one :(  
My friend, who read my other stories as beta reader, doesn't have much time at the moment...

_Varinia:_ Thanks :)  
I wrote this in word, but there's probably a problem with it, because it's the German version and I guess this isn't very well with the english grammar, I don't know:(

_goldengreaser: _Thanks :)  
I'll make them talk like teens in future

_sd: _Thanks :)  
But which parts don't make sense? So that I can correct them, too...

* * *

4. Bad news

"Tell me, I know you from somewhere, right?" the doctor looked at him interrogative. "Yes, of course. You were that boy, who rescued the children from the burning church with his both friends, weren't you? Your friend, the black haired boy, died here... uh, what was his name again?"

Ponyboy slowly nodded and said quietly, "Johnny..." With that he suppressed the tears that arose again with the thought of his best friend, and swallowed hard.

"Ah, yes, right! Now I remember again. How's the other boy, who was also here with you? Dallas or similar was his name, right?"

"He... he's dead too..." Pony said and avoided the look of the doctor.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know..." the doctor searched for words.

Ponyboy nodded. But he wasn't so sure, if the doctor really meant it serious. But in the end that didn't matter. Why should the doctor take care of a Greaser like him or even feel sorrow at the death of such one?

The doctor cleared his throat before he continued, "But tell me, what do you want here exactly? Do you visit a relative or a friend?"

Pony shook his head and explained, "Nope, I, well, actually I'm here, 'cause I've stomachache..."

"Ah, you want to let examine your stomach, won't you? Well, there you're on the wrong ward. For that you've to go to the ward of the interior medicine. Wait, I'll take you there."

"Thanks..." Pony murmured and followed the doctor.

There they arrived at the other ward. The doctor, who accompanied Pony, called at another doctor, who walked down the long corridor, "Hey, George, wait!"  
The addressed doctor stopped and turned around.

When the both reached the waiting doctor, both doctors shook hands and the other doctor asked, "Yes, William, what's the matter?"

"Look, this boy here would like to see you. But he went astray on my ward, that's why I accompanied him here." the other doctor explained and with that he pointed at Pony, who nodded at the other doctor just tightly.

"So, I have to go on my own ward again. My patients are waiting. Goodbye, George, see you later at closing time." the other doctor said and left again.

"Ok, see you later, William. Demote the beer." the doctor called laughing after his colleague and turned now to Pony, "So, you wanted to see me, right? What's your name and what can I do for you?"

"Well, I'm Ponyboy and..." Pony began.

But he was interrupted by the doctor, "Listen, my boy! Do you think I'm stupid? Ponyboy? What kind of name is that? You tell me now on the spot your correct name or I call the police that they get out your name and take you to your parents again."

Ponyboy rolled his eyes and meant a bit angry, "That's my name! Ponyboy Michael. And if you don't wanna believe me, it ain't my fault! And if... ouch..."  
Pony didn't come any further, because in this moment he got these stomachaches again. He held his belly with a distorted face and groaned.

"Oh my god, boy! What's the matter with you?" the doctor asked and rushed to him.

"My stomach..." Pony muttered.

"Come on!" the doctor said and supported Ponyboy. "Nurse!" the doctor shouted and after that a nurse rushed to them, who supported Ponyboy as well. "Put him on the bed and prepare everything for an ultrasound photo." the doctor ordered. The nurse nodded, placed Ponyboy on the bed and prepared everything.

Then the doctor examined Pony with the help of the ultrasound equipment. "Um..." the doctor made.

"Is there something wrong, doctor?" the nurse asked.

"Please prepare everything for a gastroscopy!" the man said serious.

"But..." the nurse started.

"Come along now!" the doctor commanded.

"What...?" Pony asked, who listened to the conversation, and wanted to sit up.

The doctor pressed him gently down again and talked to him reassuring, "Calm down, boy. Everything's all right!"

Then the doctor made a gastroscopy. He watched the picture on the monitor for a long time, before he turned to the nurse, "Tell me, what do you see there?"

The nurse came to him and looked at the spot, which the doctor showed her. "Oh, but that is... it looks like..." she didn't come further.  
The doctor nodded in agreement.  
The nurse looked at Ponyboy compassionately.

This one noticed the depressed atmosphere and asked, "What's the matter? What's wrong with me?"

"My boy, don't get upset. We must do few further tests to find that out..." With these words he made a biopsy, so that he'll get a samplefor further tests.  
"We must take a little bit of your stomach and send it into a laboratory. Then it will be examined thorough and then we'll know exactly what's wrong with you!" the doctor explained.

"But... can't ya tell me just now, what's up?"

"No, I'm sorry." the doctor answered, while he made the biopsy to took a bit from Pony's stomach.

"So, that's it. The finding will be ready even today. I'll see to it. Um, it would be better, when we would inform your parents and..."

"My parents are dead." Pony interrupted him.

"Yes, I see. Well, where do you live than, when your parents aren't alive any more?" the doctor asked now.

"I... I live in a home." Pony told a lie.

"Then we should the head office of the home inform about it..."

"Nope, it ain't necessary!" Pony said determined.

"But we must inform somebody as long as you're under age."

"They wanna know this even soon enough... By the way, they don't care very much about me. Would I come here otherwise all alone, without any duty person? Without a guardian? Probably not..." Pony growled and turned away.

The doctor sighed and proceed himself to hand over Pony's tests.

In the meantime a nurse cared about Ponyboy.

This one just tried to sit up. "Oh gosh, even these damned Socs haven't beaten me up so much..." he murmured under a groan.

"What did you say?" the nurse asked.

"Nothin'!" Pony hissed at her. "Can I even get something against these pains?"

"No, I'm sorry. As long as we don't know, what's wrong with you exactly, we're not allowed to give you any painkillers. That's an order from the doctor."

"To hell with him! I wanna have something and that's right now!" Pony swore.

"I... I could make you some tea, which..."

"Ugh, go 'way with this tea shit! Such stuff doesn't help at all!" Pony made a devalued gesture and searched his pockets for a cigarette.

After Johnny's and Dally's death he started to smoke more again, so that he nearly was like a chainsmoker. Darry caught him once, when he smoked one pack within a quarter of an hour and for that reason he gave him one of his usual lectures. Pony just let him talk without saying a word. And when Darry was gone, he sneaked away secretly to Curly Shepard, with that he did few things together again in the meantime when Pony wasn't away a lot by himself, and he could get hold of 3 cigarettes from Curly.

But there he couldn't find any more, he made a face and meant discontented, "If I didn't get any painkillers, I rather wanna cigarettes."

"No smoking in here! Besides, this is bad for your health and your present stomachache won't be better as well. And by the way, you're not allowed to smoke yet!"

Pony snorted contemptuous but he left it at that.

"Would you mind to wait outside until we have the results?" the nurse asked now friendly.

Pony murmured something unintelligible, rose up and went out in the corridor into the waiting room. There he sat down on a chair and stared grumpy.  
How much he wished a cigarette now!

The time went by. Pony didn't know how long he was sitting there until the doctor came with a worried face and wanted to talk to him.  
Pony followed him suspicious and sat down on the offered chair.

"My dear boy..." the doctor began.

"Don't call me like that, my name's Ponyboy!"

"Well, fine, Ponyboy. Just now we got your results of your stomach. It was examined thorough by few specialized doctors and all came to the same result."

"And? What did ya find out?" Pony asked.

"How old are you?"

"What?" Pony asked confused.

"I want to know how old you are..."

"Still 14, but in 2 months I'll be 15. But why you're askin' such a thing?" Pony looked at the doctor with pinched eyes.

"Well, it concerns the result of the tests... Is there really nobody that we could inform?"

"Listen, if there's someone, I would let ya know! And now don't talk around the holy shit and tell me what's going on. Damn it!" Pony swore.

"Um, I'm really sorry to tell you the truth. But unfortunately it looks like you suffer from stomach cancer."


	5. The price of life

5. The price of life

"Sorry, what?" Pony stared blank at the doctor. "Stomach cancer?"

"Yes, I detected a stain at your stomach at the checkup ultrasound and that's why I did a gastroscopy to view it closer, because I already had this suspicion. And my suspicion was confirmed through the test of the sample of your stomoch which I took at the biopsy. I'm really sorry. Should we inform someone now?"  
Pony shook his head absent-minded.

"But you are in a quite early phase of the cancer, so that it couldn't spread too much yet. That means we can fight against it, with an operation and after that an aimed chemotherapy and medicines. An increased life expectancy will arise that way. But also with this treatment we unfortunately didn't succeed in the medicine of today to defeat the cancer completely. That's why it could always happen that a patient, in spite of a well precede treatment, could die. But this risk is much higher without a special treatment than with."

"Is it true that people lose their hair at this therapy?" Pony asked who was in a shock.

"Um, yes, that's right. Unfortunately, healthy cells will also be attacked by the radiotherapy. That will lead then to loss of hair, but we can do something against it. Nowadays there are many fashionable and natural wigs that..."

"Oh no! I don't wanna sacrifice my pretty long hair to put on such a stupid good-boy-wig! Nope, count me out! Not my tuff hair. The pride of each Greaser!" Pony replied angry and jumped up.

"Please, my boy, calm down. I'm really sorry that we have to confront you with this terrible news, but it must be. Besides, it is just hair..."

"What? It's just hair? Just hair?" Pony almost squealed. "You don't know at all what the hair means to a Greaser. It's his one and only to him, 'cause he doesn't own anything else! The hair just makes a Greaser into a Greaser! You all have no idea!" Ponyboy meant. "I don't wanna sacrifice my hair for that in any case! Never ever! I've done this before and have sworn never touch and cut my hair again. And that's that."

"Well, I see that this news is a shock for you. And it's also easy to understand that you won't accept it and you're against a therapy. Of course, you need time to realize this news. That's all right. But consider the chance of cure fall with every day you refuse a treatment."

"I thought there's no hope at all! The one, who has it once, won't loose it. He'll perish of it, sooner or even later! Fine, then I'll just perish of it. Everybody must die one day after all, right? I wanna die just in this way. Goddamned! But let me die in dignity and don't delay this death who knows how long, 'cause I was helped with wrong chances of success. 'cause that's much more than a Greaser could stand! And Greasers could stand a lot, believe me, yeah!" Pony shouted angry.  
"Do ya also know when it wanna be time for me to kick the bucket?"

"No, we..."

"Aw come on! You certainly know the time, don't you? When will it happen?"

"Well, it could always happen. But normally it lasts severalmonths, perhaps even years, until the disease will defeat you." the doctor explained.  
Pony looked at him in a shock.  
"But as said, with a treatment your life expectancy will raise."

"But at which price?" Pony murmured to himself.

"You can think about it. You can always come here and we can immediately start with the treatment, the sooner the better. But as said, it is up to you to decide. And the head office of the home can't prescribe that. There's still the patient liberty here. But it really would please me, when you would agree to a treatment. It's up to you. You get a detailed description of the treatment, and take your time to lead it to your mind. And of course you get also a detailed finding. And the nurse will give you few painkillers, which will ease the pain a bit. But remember, the medicine won't help against the cancer. So, there remains only to wish you still all the best and I hope that we'll meet soon again to start with the treatment." With that the doctor shook Pony's hand and disappeared and left now a completely dropped and despaired Pony behind.

"Here, the finding and the medicine. Follow the prescription of dose." The nurse gave the things to Pony, who took them just absent-minded. Then he walked out of the hospital.

Stomach cancer - probably he suffered incurable from this malicious and deadly disease. Stomach cancer...  
With this and similar thoughts he walked home as stunned.


	6. The truth hurts!

_Cathryn:_ thanks for your advice :)  
I tried to break the paragraphs into smaller ones.

_MyHubbyIsOB: _oh, I'm really sorry because of the thing with your skin cancer :'(  
I hope, you're all right now!  
I didn't know how to test this kind of cancer so I guessed it would be this way, but thanks for your information :)  
I changed these parts. But I didn't know what to do with the rest (Pony without a guardian) that's why I left it that way. Sorry...  
I hope that this isn't that bad...

* * *

6. The truth hurts!

He didn't look up where he walked along, but something led him to a particular place: the lot.  
This place where his best friend Johnny spent countless nights, because he was beaten by his father and wasn't welcome in his house in any case.  
That's why he'd like to stay at the lot. Pony and he were very often there.  
They were laying there silently for hours, stared in the sky and followed their own thoughts.  
They shared everything here, if joy or sorrow.  
Here was Johnny's real home.

Pony settled down on this place where Johnny usually always slept, pulled his legs on his body, laid his head between his knees and began quietly to sob, until he cried sometime completely.

He didn't notice anything around him at all. Only when a hand laid on his shoulder and a voice said "Pony…" he winced scared and looked up.  
With red eyes he saw into the worried face of his brother Soda.

"Oh my god, Pony. Where've you been? We're worried about ya!" Soda said.  
"Hey, guys, I've found him. He's here!" he shouted over his shoulders and shortly after that Darry, Two-Bit and Steve came to the lot.

"This lad really needs a good hiding..." Steve murmured mad.  
He failed to do his great poker-evening with Soda because of the search for Pony and that's why he was even more bad responding to Pony, than anyway.

"Oh Soda..." Pony sobbed and flung crying his arms around the neck of his brother.

"Hey, it's all right." Soda comforted his kid brother.

Meanwhile the others arrived at them. Darry would start so say something when Soda looked at him begging. After that he closed his mouth again and confined himself only to a growl.

"Hey Pony. There you are." Two-Bit greeted.

"Shh, Pony, it's all right. What's the matter?" Soda said and swung Pony back and forth.  
He already could imagine that the problem was called 'Johnny' as usual.  
But he wanted Pony to tell it by himself.  
He hoped that it would help a bit.  
He didn't have any idea that his brother was in a much worse way, than only the mourning for the loss of his best friend and his imposed guilt on himself for that reason.

"What wanna be the matter? I'll tell you! It's about Johnny and Dally, as usual! Kid, we also mourn for them, not only you! Not only you miss them!" Steve said.

Pony looked up with a jerk, stared at Steve full of hate and yelled, "You have no idea at all! That's also none of your business at all!"

"Oh, of course that's one of my business! I get how you harm Soda and Darry with your bad mood! Did ya notice that actually? You get on our nerves with your constantly rotten mood!" Steve replied.

Pony trembled, freed himself from Soda's embrace, rose with a jerk, threw a deadly glance to Steve, turned around and ran away swearing and crying.

"Hey, Pony, don't run away again now!" Two-Bit shouted behind him.

"Pony, wait!" Soda shouted, rose and ran after his brother.

"Great, you really seem to know something about a good education, huh?" Darry meant bitter to Steve.

This one only shrugged and meant disparaging, "It ain't my fault when the little 'pain in the neck' is too sentimental and takes every little thing as cause for cryin'! I mean, we all must cope with the death of Dally and Johnny. It's not only hard for him. We also mourn for them. He really behaves like a little child."

Darry whirled around to Steve, grasped him at the collar of his shirt and said threatening to him, "Hey, I know, that you don't like Pony particularly, but it's still my brother after all you ran down, okay? That's why you better should look out what ya say, otherwise..."

"Otherwise, what? You wanna beat me up, huh? Soda never would allow it and you know that!" Steve replied cool.  
Darry let him go with a growl.

"Come on! Let's go behind the both and look, what's up with Pony." Two-Bit suggested and followed Soda.

"Yeah, go on and spoil him. So he'll never grow up..." Steve nagged and kicked a stone away.

After Darry threw a last punished glance at Steve, he walked behind Two-Bit.  
Steve shrugged, put his hands into his pockets and ambled in the direction of the Curtis' house, where Pony ran.

Pony ran into the house, slammed the door of his room and threw on the bed. There he cried into his pillows.

Short time later Soda came into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed and stroked over Pony's back.  
"Oh Pony..." he murmured, when he watched his kid brother.  
"Don't ya wanna tell me what worried you?" he asked.

Pony shook his head heavily.

In this moment Two-Bit and Darry came back. Darry leaned against the door and looked at Ponyboy worried.

"Everything's gonna be all right again, believe me!" Soda tried to comfort him.

"That's a lie! Nothing's gonna be all right again! Never more!" Pony said between sobs. "And now leave me alone! Beat it! I wanna be alone!"

Soda sighed and rose up slowly. Then he went out of the room disappointed. Darry followed him.

"I don't know any more, what we should do with him! You can't make him talk!" Soda groaned.

Darry put a hand on his shoulder and meant optimistic, "That's gonna be all right again! I guess he still needs time to cope with the situation. His best friend lost his life after all..."

"Yeah, I know, but... Steve's right. Johnny and Dally were also our friends and we cope well with their death, more or less."

"You said it: more or less. And Pony gets less than we over it. Let's give him time."

"Ok. And I wanna get the dinner ready or else we'll starve." Soda grinned again and went into the kitchen.

When the meal was ready, they wanted to call Pony. But this one fell asleep with exhaustion. So they left him alone.

At night, Ponyboy woke up soaked in sweat from one of his nightmares again. Besides, he had heavy aches in his stomach. That was why he got up, walked to his trousers, which lay on the chair and searched for the medicine. When he found it, he took 2 of them.

"Pony? What ya doing there? What's up?" Soda asked sleepily.

Pony frightened and answered, "Nothin'. I only woke up. Keep on sleepin', Soda."

"Ok. Good night." And Soda fell asleep again.


	7. Secrets

_UptownChicke:_ thanks  
I know I still have problems with it, sorry 'bout that :(  
I'm glad if it's more understandable now  
well, well, Steve... ;)  
we'll see if he'll turn and where all this ends...  
oh, no, of course Darry isn't a dog grin  
well, actuallyit shouldn't mean anything, I just make him growl a lot ;)  
I'll try to let them be multi-dimensional but it's really hard, I think...  
yeah, thanks for your suggestions  
that's what will help me to improve :)

_animalsarelife: _oh, I'm sorry, let's hope it will work now...  
thanks, yeah, poor Pony ;)

_Varinia: _thanks, but I'll try :)

_MyHubbyIsOB: _I'm glad to hear that :)  
yep, I have, thanks :)

* * *

7. Secrets

The next morning, Pony still wouldn't eat anything, but there he noticed the strict glances of Darry, he ate a bit and then set off to school.

On the way there, he thought about why he still went to school at all.  
He probably could never finish it, because he certainly wouldn't be alive so long.  
So he thought about, what he could do.  
At first he simply would skip school or run away right now. But he didn't know where to go.  
So he went to school, but he decided to receive no good grades any more.  
What was he to do with that, when he couldn't do anything with that?

So Pony started to disturb the lessons so much that his teachers had to admonish him permanently.  
He started to change himself alarming: he gave only quite cheeky or even no answers at all when he was asked something, became very malicious towards other pupils and handed over very bad tests, where he wrote either something completely wrong on purpose or even nothing at all.  
Of course he didn't study any more for the tests.

He came too late for the lessons, left them simply as he liked or sometimes didn't appear at all and skipped school.  
Instead he stayed at the lot, walked around in the town or drove with the bus into the neighbour towns.  
But most of the time he only wandered just for fun through the neighbourhood, without any destination.  
And he smoked now more than ever before.

He hardly talked with his brothers and his friends and still hid them the disease.

And so he turned away more and more from his brothers and friends and was mostly all alone.

His brothers and friends didn't know what they should think of the inexplicable change of their brother and friend. They often tried to talk to Ponyboy. But they didn't succeed, because every time, when they spoke to Ponyboy, this one avoided or gave cheeky replies.  
So they slowly were tired of it.

And Pony avoided as far as possible to come near his brothers and Friends!

He always carried the finding of the diagnosis with himself.  
He really didn't know why he took it with himself at all.  
But he guessed that nobody should find it, if he would put it down somewhere and someone would search and find it.

And he had decided now: he would start a therapy on no account, he would die! And he didn't care if he died of this disease or just another way.  
Meanwhile everything didn't matter any more to him!  
Even if he hurted his brothers and friends!

"Does everything happen to me, 'cause it's my fault that my friends died?  
Is this now the revenge for it that I let them die?  
Is it justice, when I get punished for their death?  
Will I be free then from my guilt, when I suffer and die?  
Do I want the death? Do I accept it?" These and similar questions ran again and again through his head.  
But he never received an answer of it.

But one day he put the finding into his locker.  
A boy called David saw this.  
And when Ponyboy was gone again, David went to the locker and would like to know, what Pony put into it, because David got that Pony always carried this note with him. So he took the finding out and had a look at it. There David could see that it was a medical finding and also how this one turned out.

There Ponyboy returned and would get a book, which he forgot before. And there he saw David, who read his finding.  
Ponyboy couldn't believe it and shouted at David more than angry, "Tell me, are you crazy? What're you doing on my things? That's none of your business!"

David only sneered at Ponyboy, held the finding in front of his nose and meant derisive, "I suppose that's why you're probably in bad form recently. Do your brothers and friends know about it?"

"No and they never gonna know it!"

"Ah, that's why you're no longer with them, isn't it? I observed you, you skip school. And I guess that they also don't know that, do they?  
So, you've stomach cancer? Poor Greaser, perish of such a disease. It serves you quite right! But it's true. That's really very hard to tell your brothers and friends that you've die soon for that reason!  
Do you really think that you will help yourself with that? Do you wanna die as a martyr? That's impossible! A Greaser never can die as a martyr!  
But listen, if you don't dare to inform them of it, I wanna take this for you! You've got a friend of yours here at school, haven't you? What was his name, Two-Bit, right? I'll go to him now and tell him! Then you can explain it better to him and then later to the others!"

David rose up and would walk out of the door, where Two-Bit stood in front of it.  
Two-Bit actually would search for Pony and talk with him.  
He listened to the conversation speechless.  
He didn't know that and also didn't suspect at all and he knew that Darry and Soda didn't know it as well, let alone suspected!

This was too much for Ponyboy! He grabbed one of David's arms and held him tight.  
He glared at David and shouted, "Leave it! That's my problem and none of yours! I warn you not to tell him or the others only one thing, otherwise..."

David didn't put up with that, stared at Ponyboy with cold eyes and tore himself away with a jerk.  
Then he gave Pony a sounding slap in the face and meant furious, "Uh, there I probably caught a sore point of you, huh? You're completely crazy! Really! You really belong into a nuthouse... or better right under earth, like your dead Greaser-friend. But you gonna get there soon as well because of your disease!"

Pony kicked against David's shinbone in his rage.  
David growled and rushed swearing to Ponyboy, "You damned Greaser! You wanna suffer for that!"  
Pony wasn't prepared for this and was thrown to the ground by David. This one landed on him.

So they fought at the ground. Two-Bit noticed at once what was going on and rushed to them to separate the both. But he didn't succeed.  
The both fought uninterrupted.  
Until suddenly a deep piercing voice made them start up, "What's going on here? Go apart! Immediately!"  
The strictly teacher Ms. Hewitt stood with crossed arms in the door and stared at both with her piercing eyes.  
Both froze and looked at the teacher. Ponyboy on the ground, David over him and lifted already his fist to hit Pony.  
Then David slowly rose up, drew his hand back and then got up completely.  
Ponyboy got up, too.  
Now they faced each other.  
Both sized each other up with their glances, while the teacher kept on at them and scolded.  
In the meantime some pupils gathered on the corridor and wanted to see what's up. They didn't watch a fight any more already for a long time, above all one between a Greaser and a Soc!

Suddenly David growled, turned around and hissed at Ponyboy, before he passed him, Two-Bit, the teacher and finally the pupils on the corridor by, "You gonna regret this, Greaser! You wanna regret to pick a quarrel with me! It ain't nearly over now..."

Ponyboy threw his head back, snorted and replied provoking, "Take my word for it!"

The teacher heard this and looked at Ponyboy punished and stunned.  
Ponyboy asked angry, "What?"  
But he didn't wait at all for the answer of the teacher, but followed David outside.

There the teacher screamed, "Stay here! Ponyboy! Will you stay here? I haven't finished. I still have to talk to you! Ponyboy!"  
But Ponyboy didn't listen but passed her by.

When he passed the pupils by, they made way for him.  
With that he could go through.  
They had respect for him, so they kept their distance, which should mean admiration and respect. Because they got that he picked a quarrel with David, who was well-known for fights, and wasn't bad there.  
Most of them, which picked a quarrel with David, didn't have any chance, he defeated them. Either they were beaten up so much, that they gave David a wide berth now and avoided any argument or they were intimidated by him so much, that they better have him rather as friend, than as enemy.  
It cost very much courage for that to pick a quarrel with David, above all also in public, because David got friends nearly everywhere.  
It was a custom with Socs.

The teacher continued scolding all the time.  
Two-Bit shortly looked around and ran behind Ponyboy. He called him but Pony didn't stop. Then he caught up with Pony and held him tight at one of his arms. After that Ponyboy whirled around angry and glared dangerously at his friend.

Two-Bit asked careful, "Hey Pony! Is it true, what I heard from David? Please answer me!"

Ponyboy bit his lip and nodded with to ground lowered eyes, where unintentional tears were formed. Then he sobbed heart-rending and told him the whole thing.  
When he finished, he tore himself away with a jerk from Two-Bit's grasp, who still held him tight to his arm till then, and ran away sobbing.

And left a completely puzzled Two-Bit behind.  
This one wondered what he should do now.  
Should he search for Pony at first or tell the whole thing to the others.  
He decided to go to the Curtis' and so he set off there.

When Ponyboy came home that day late in the evening, everybody gathered in the house, as usual. But this time the others looked at him strangely.  
Pony suspected that Two-Bit told them and that was why they looked at him this way.

So he avoided their glances and would go to his room, when Darry held him tight.

"What are you doing? Let me go, Darry!" Ponyboy hissed.

But Darry didn't react. He only looked at Pony and didn't say anything.  
Tears accumulated in his eyes.  
And this frightened Pony, because Darry cried hardly ever.

"Is it true?" he finally whispered.

Pony turned his head away sulky, so that he didn't have to look into the eyes of his brother.

"Is it true, damned?" Darry shouted and shook Pony.

"Yeah, damn it! It's true! I've got this shit cancer and gonna perish of it!" Pony yelled back and glared at his brother.

Soda made a sound and covered his mouth with his hand.  
Steve put a hand on Soda's shoulder and stared at Pony.  
Two-Bit turned away and walked outside.

Darry stared at Pony with tears in the eyes and asked, "Why... why haven't you tell us even sooner? How long do you know it?"

"Why? Why should I tell you? What should that be in aid of?" Pony meant derogatorily.

"Damn it, Pony! We're your brothers, your family! That's why you should have told us! Do you really trust us such a little?"

"Trust ain't the point!" Pony replied.

"And what is it then instead?" Steve asked now. "You're such a fool! Don't you really notice how you made suffer your brothers? Instead of beein' courageous to tell them, they had to know it from Two-Bit! Do you actually know how they feel now?  
You're such a coward!"

"Aw, you call this cowardly, don't you? Great! You have no idea at all! Does anyone even wonder how I'm with that? How I feel? I've got the disease and not one of you after all!"

"Gosh, Pony, you're really so selfish. It ain't just everything about you, got it?"

"Steve, please..." Soda begged trembling.

"No! Anybody must tell him! And you don't dare in any case!"

"Do you really think I wanna listen to you? To you of all people? Never ever! Forget it!" Pony replied sulky.

"Is there any hope?" Soda suddenly asked quietly.

"No! There's no hope, no hope at all! And I don't wanna undergo medical treatment as well! I've got this disease and gonna die of it, that's just the way it is!" With these words Pony turned around and ran into his room.  
The others were left behind in a shock.


	8. All I want

8. All I want...

In the following time Ponyboy hardly did shown at his family and friends and shut himself off from them more and more.  
Bet he was respected now by the other pupils, nearly admired.  
Every time when he passed a group of pupils by, they made way for him at once. When he passed them by, they whispered together excited and with admiration.  
But Ponyboy completely ignored this attention!

When Ponyboy returned home from school one day, he found a letter.  
It was from David.  
Pony took it in his hand and viewed it for a long time before he opened.  
The others, which came home again in this moment, saw Ponyboy with the letter in the hand and came to him.

"Hey Pony! What you've got there?" Two-Bit asked, acting cheerful.

After this bad news they hardly talked to each other. It was very hard for them to understand and accept.

But Pony became so absorbed in the letter that he said it completely lost in thought: David would have revenge for his messed up victory against Ponyboy, which was prevented by the teacher.  
If Pony wouldn't admit defeat, he should come in 2 hours to the old abandoned warehouse at the limit of the West-Side to go on fighting with David, but without any devices!  
David would wait for him there.  
If Pony didn't come, he would regret refusing David's 'invitation'.

His brothers and friends were frightened when they heard it and tried to advise Ponyboy against it.

"You don't wanna go to this fight, get it?" said Darry.

"Why not? Finally it ain't the first fight I took part in!" Pony replied.

"'cause I forbid you!"

"You can't forbid me anything!"

"Oh you bet! Of course I can and I will!"

"All right! But I don't wanna let forbid me anything any more by ya, by none of ya!"

"Do ya actually know the guy ya picked a quarrel with?" Steve asked.

"Of course I know that!" Ponyboy replied condescendingly.

"You can't go to this fight! That's too dangerous for ya..." Soda tried now.

"What could even happen to me? A real fight is exactly that, what I need now."

"When ya need something to work off, then start to jog again or do something for school." said Darry.

Pony rolled his eyes and said, "Nope! I need a fight! By the way, we only wanna fight with our fists, no weapons! I joined in that even more than once. Do you remember one of these fights? Only fists, no weapons!"

"You're the only one who believes that..." Steve murmured.

"David's fights ain't fair by any means.  
He always carries a knife with himself!  
He hurts his enemies so bad with it, that they must go to hospital.  
A bad example was a boy.  
David absolutely couldn't stand him. They started arguin' and then it came to a fight. That ended in a knife fight: David pulled his knife and hit it into the chest of the boy. The boy collapsed and came into a hospital.  
One of his lungs was removed. David pierced one of them!  
After that the boy was connected on an artificial respiration instrument. His survive depended on it, but he died 3 months later.  
Do you understand what I wanna tell ya with that?  
This boy died! David stabbed him, he killed him!  
And what are you gonna do when David doesn't come alone and bring his friends with him? And you're all alone..."Two-Bit said.

"Yeah. I already know what ya wanna tell me with that!  
But I don't care!  
I'll go to this fight! And ya couldn't keep me from doin' that!  
And if David ain't alone, so much the better!  
I like to oppose myself these damned Socs." Pony replied.

Then he turned around and walked to the direction of the front door.  
Soda ran after Ponyboy.

When he caught up with Ponyboy, he seized his arm, turned Pony around to himself and asked, "Why do ya wanna expose yourself to danger unnecessary? David ain't worth it at all..."

"How do ya wanna know exactly, that it means this to me, too?" Ponyboy asked sharply.  
He turned around again to going.

But Soda still held him tight and asked for the last time desperately, "Why, Pony?"

Ponyboy turned around again and said, "You really wanna know it, huh?  
All right, then ya should know it.  
I wanna expose myself to danger, 'cause it doesn't matter what I do!  
I probably gonna die of my disease soon. It doesn't matter, what I do!  
I gonna die anyway, if now 'cause of my disease or even David!  
If I should have been killed at this fight, my sufferin' came to a quickly end at least.  
I would die a heroic death. But probably nobody gonna honour it any more, but I know that I wanna die it!  
A heroic death like Johnny! ...like Johnny... Damned, for Johnny!  
When I die, it wanna be a fair punishment at least for that, what I've done!  
Yeah, damned, I feel guilty!  
It was my fault that Johnny and Dally had to die!  
I'm to blame for it, did you get it?  
I put up with it, I put up with it to let go my life at this fight, which really maybe gonna be unfair!  
I ain't got nothin' more to lose after all..."

"Oh yeah, Ponyboy Michael Curtis, you have to lose somethin'!  
Even very much, damn it!  
At first us, your brothers, your family and your friends and then also even your own goddamned pride and your honour!  
But here you are!  
If ya wanna be killed by all means...  
I definitely don't wanna hold ya up any longer!  
I don't care as well, what wanna become of ya..  
But I tell ya only one thing: when ya gonna die at the fight, it ain't a heroic death, but the death of an ordinary hood! The death of a coward!  
Yeah that's it! Steve's right, you're a coward!  
And don't believe I would mourn then for you!  
There you're wrong!" Soda said with a shaking voice.

Then he turned around and ran into his room. They shouldn't see his tears of despair.

Darry, Steve and Two-Bit looked behind him.

Then Ponyboy ran off as well.  
He would go now to this fight by all means.  
Even if Soda didn't love him any more and didn't care as well, if he was alive or died, he would go into the fight undaunted by death!


	9. Meet old friends

_myhubbyisob:_ thanks :)  
I try but it's hard, 'cause in school we've to speak/write proper english (esp. in correspondence/business letters)

_Varinia:_ thanks :)  
yeah, it seems that the grammar is my weakness :(  
sorry

* * *

9. Meet old friends

David was already at the warehouse and of course his friends were there, too.

"Uh, what do you know! The doomed Greaser dares to come here!" David yelled to Pony.

"Of course! You thought I would refuse, huh? Ya don't know us Greaser very well! We don't refuse, never ever! And we don't wanna miss any fight as well!" Pony replied.

"Are you alone or did your friends come with you?"

"Unlike you, I'm alone. But it doesn't matter. I'm a match for all of ya!" Ponyboy said arrogant.  
The Socs only laughed about it.  
Pony grumbled dangerously. "Did we come here only for chatting?" he asked.

"Well, you wanna die by all means, huh? All right, you would have it this way! You damned dirty Greaser!" With that the fight began.

David rushed to Pony and punched him into the stomach. Pony groaned and held bended his stomach.  
And as already guessed David had his knife with him, which he also pulled out after that and would use it against Ponyboy.  
Pony, who suspected and somehow hoped such a thing, didn't have any knife or another weapon for defence with him.  
When he noticed that David had his knife with him and that he would use it against him, he hardly defended himself and was ready to die of the knife.  
David pushed him to the ground at this moment and came dangerously close to him with his knife, when he heard a scream behind him.

David turned around and saw Ponyboy's friends.  
They really dared to come here and kept hiding up to now.  
And now they got out of their hiding place and rushed straight to the Socs to keep David from hurting Ponyboy with the knife.  
But David's friends were the way of them, so that they had to fight against them at first to come to the both.

"Ponyboy..." Soda shouted, while he fought with a Soc.

David said growling to Ponyboy, "You little rotten rat! You didn't keep to our deal! You gonna suffer for that!"

"Hey! I didn't know they followed me. I really didn't know they're here! I gave them no reason to follow me! By the way, ya didn't keep to it, too!" Ponyboy said and pointed with his head to the knife.

David sneered malicious and raised his hand to push.  
Ponyboy defended himself no longer but lay calm with closed eyes at the ground and only waited for that David finally pushed and released him from his pain.

"Please, please do it! Do it finally! Release me!" Pony whispered and he heard his brothers and friends screaming his name, but he didn't care.

Suddenly he felt a gust and a pressure.  
Pony opened his eyes after that and even saw how Darry rushed to David with a furious face and pulled David with that from Ponyboy.  
But because of the shove David pushed his hand down, so that he could push the knife into Ponyboy's body.

Pony didn't feel any pain at first but only an unbelievable sadness.  
He felt as if he was wrapped up in cotton wool, he didn't sense anything.  
He heard and saw everything in this way, as if he was far, far away from the events. And he believed that his life finally would be finished now, as if he soon would watch a movie, which would run down in front of him such as it always was described.

He even got that Darry and David fight dogged with each other next to him and one of his friends – but he couldn't realize any more, who it was – always shouted to Darry that he should look out because David still had his knife.  
But Darry could steal David the knife and defeated him this way.  
David fled defeated with his friends, after he swore them a cruel revenge.

In the meantime the friends, including Darry, arrived at Ponyboy.  
But this one didn't get it any more at all.  
He only saw his friends as if they would be very far away.

But he could see their worried faces and somebody of them - he thought to recognize Steve - said to him with a shaking voice, "It was very stupid of ya to fight with David. It's wrong to say goodbye to your life this way.  
Goddamned, you shouldn't be so selfish and throw your life away so easy, only 'cause ya think, it ain't worth livin' any more and ya don't wanna be alive any longer for that reason.  
Think about only once that there still are people that ya would leave behind, in mournin', hatred, despair, rage..."

Then Pony closed his eyes.

When Ponyboy would open his eyes again, he suddenly heard a voice, a very familiar voice, which called his name.  
He desperately tried to remember, which voice that could be.  
But when he remembered, he couldn't believe it, because that, what he thought, couldn't be in any case.  
That was why he would open his eyes to go and see for himself.  
But when he could see, he frightened: he wasn't in his body any longer, which only lay there lifeless not far away from him.  
He saw his brothers.  
They kneeled beside his body and cried.  
Two-Bit and Steve stood next to them and had tears in their eyes as well.  
And there he understood that he probably was really dead now.

There this voice called his name again and he turned around.  
Suddenly a figure appeared behind his friends.

Ponyboy blinked few times, before he could recognize it correctly and murmured, "Johnny? Johnny, is that you? Is that really you?"

"Yeah, Pony, it's me." the figure said and came towards him.

When he stood directly in front of Pony, Pony could recognize that it was really Johnny.

"Oh Johnny, Johnny..." Pony whispered.

"Don't be afraid, Pony. Everything's gonna be all right again.  
Look, I came into heaven. I'm fine now. It's so much better than ever before. Everything's so beautiful, so peaceful here. As I always wished in that way.  
But I miss yaall, I miss ya. But I'm not alone here. Dally's here with me, too." Johnny said and turned around.

Behind him Dally appeared.

He lifted greeting a hand and said, "Hey Kid."

And there his eyes sparkled for the first time without any sign of hate. His eyes were kindly now.

"Oh, Dally... Johnny... I'm... I'm so sorry. Only 'cause of me ya had to die. It's my fault..."

"No, Pony! It ain't your fault!  
Ya all knew I would die one day this way I did, as a hood." Dally explained.

"Yeah, Pony. Dal's right. You ain't to blame for it.  
What can I do that ya believe us that it ain't your fault?" Johnny asked.

"Let me die, so that I can repay your death. Let me get this as my well-deserved punishment for that."

Johnny shook his head and answered, "It ain't the right time for ya yet. But it already was time for us to go. But not for ya. Not now.  
The people ya loved still need ya.  
Just look, your brothers and our friends need ya..."  
With that Johnny pointed to their friends, which cried for Pony.

Pony was touched by this sight, but he wasn't willing to go into his body again and live on.

"But I need ya too, Johnny! I miss ya!"

Johnny nodded and replied, "I know. I miss ya too and also the others.  
But I know we wanna meet again, sometime. Some day ya all wanna come here too and we wanna be together again.  
But ya just have to stay with the others till then, even if it's hard to stand for ya.  
It really hurts me to see how much everything depresses ya and how ya changed yourself...  
And that's why I wanna tell ya that ya don't need to worry about me or good ol' Dal any longer. We're fine.  
Become happy and cheerful again, as in former times, please Ponyboy.  
Your guilt wanna be wiped out with that.  
Please promise me, Pony."

"Johnny, I..."

"Please…"

"Yeah, ok! I promise, but..."

"Nope! We've to go again now and ya've to return to the living.  
That's how it should be."

"But..."

"Don't worry, Pony. We wanna meet again, but not just now."

"When will it be?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't tell ya. But sometime it wanna be the right time for ya.  
Goodbye, Pony.  
And remember: Stay gold and be alive."

With that Johnny turned away with a smile and disappeared.  
And also Dally disappeared.

There Ponyboy suddenly felt a stabbing pain in his body and got unconscious...


	10. Hope always dies at last!

_myhubbyisob: _thanks  
um, the gang already knows about it (from the chapter 7 on)  
I already use MW, but it doesn't show me every error :(  
maybe I should download another version from it (the english version) 'cause I still have the german version...  
I don't know

_Varinia: _thanks ;)  
well, here's the next chapter...

* * *

10. Hope always dies at last!

When Pony woke up the next time, at first he had the hope he made it and didn't have to live on earth any longer.  
But when he looked around and noticed his friends, which looked at him with sad (but also somehow reproachful) faces he realized that he didn't make it.  
He didn't go to heaven with Johnny and Dally, but was still alive, and in a hospital.

Ponyboy sighed and looked at his friends and didn't know what to say now.  
The same thing happened to his friends.

"Hey Pony!" Steve said and smiled uncertain, but friendly.

Pony was surprised. Steve nevergreeted himandsmiled at him like that before.

Suddenly Soda rushed to him and flung sobbing his arms around Pony's neck.

He whispered, "Don't do such a thing never ever again, get it? You ain't to die! You couldn't! You must stay with us, with me, and be alive. I couldn't stand losing another member of my family and a good friend, losing my little brother!"

There Ponyboy felt that he made a great stupid thing.  
He was so stubborn and selfish that he forgot his brothers and friends completely.  
He simply wouldn't imagine how they had to feel with that.  
He wouldn't imagine that the others also mourned for Johnny and Dally, but in their own way.

And so Ponyboy became sad and promised, "No, Soda, don't be afraid! I don't wanna do such a stupid thing any more, promised!  
I'm so sorry that you and the others were worried about me.  
At first I couldn't realize this. But I was shown that you all still love me.  
And I know now that it ain't my fault that Johnny and Dally died. I ain't to blame for their death.  
And that's why I wanna live on. I wanna start with the treatment and fight against this disease. And I wanna defeat it!  
I wanna survive!"


	11. The operation

_Varinia: _thanks :)  
good luck to you as well  
yeah, i will (and i have already one) and soon i will write another about the outsiders :)

_myhubbyisob: _yeah, i'm from germany ;)  
well, i'm sorry, that this disappointed you. that's why i wrote 2 chapters more and i hope these won't disappoint you again ;)  
but i can't write more chapters, 'cause i haven't any ideas any more...

* * *

11. The operation

The doctors still did few tests with Pony and set the date for the operation for the next morning.

"I'm scared, Soda." Pony said to his brother, who sat at Pony's bed with the others.

"So am I, little buddy!" Soda admitted.

In this moment a nurse came in and gave Pony an injection and said, "So, Ponyboy. I gave you an injection so that you'll fall asleep in a moment. You won't get anything of the operation."

"Yeah and when ya wake up again, we wanna be there, promised." Steve said and put a hand on Pony's shoulder.

"Everything's gonna be all right." Two-Bit meant now as well.

Pony nodded and fought against the arising tiredness.  
But he didn't succeed. He blinked few times, but then he closed his eyes.

Then Pony was pushed into the operating room.  
Soda, Darry, Steve and Two-Bit looked behind them with worried faces.

Hours went by!

The friends sat at the corridor and stared continuously to the operating room.

"Why does it take so long?" Soda asked and slid restless back and forth.

"Don't worry, Soda. Everything's gonna be all right." Darry tried to calm him down.

"Yeah! It must!" Steve murmured and stared to the ground for a change, because he couldn't stand the sight of the closed door any longer.

It didn't last very long, until the door was opened and a few doctors stepped out.

"Are you related with Ponyboy Curtis?" one of the doctors turned to the friends, which were jumped up right now when the door was opened.

"Yeah, we're his brothers." Darry answered.

"How's he doin'? How ran the operation? Is he gonna be ok?" Soda asked.

The doctor lifted a hand and meant, "Well, the operation ran without great complications. Ponyboy isn't conscious yet, but he will wake up in time. And I'm afraid that I can't tell you now if he will succeed. That depends also a bit on him, if he has the strength for it. But I think he will succeed. We could completely remove the cancer of his stomach, so that he doesn't have to await any chemotherapy any more. He was really lucky, that the cancer was discovered in such an early phase. That spared him quite a lot of sufferings."  
Then the doctor said goodbye and disappeared.

Short time after that the bed with a pale Pony was pushed out of the operating room. The friends looked at him worried and followed the nurses, which pushed him into the 'wake up hall'.  
Then they sat down at his bed and hoped that he would wake up soon.

Soda held Pony's hand the whole time.  
Suddenly Ponyboy's eyes moved and then he opened them.  
He had to blink few times, until he recognized his brothers and friends.

"Hey, Pony. There you are again." Two-Bit grinned relieved.

Pony made his mouth to a smile and said with a soft voice, "Ya don't wanna get rid of me so fast any more."

Steve wiped with his hand over his eyes and looked glad at Pony.

Then Ponyboy could come into his old sickroom again.  
But Pony was too tired to talk with his brothers and friends. So he fell asleep exhausted.

The next day they visited him again.  
He got his lunch in this moment.

"Hey, Pony. What's up?" Steve greeted him, when they put their heads into the door.

At first it gave Steve even very much trouble, not to be so heartless to Pony any longer. But gradually the ice between them melted and they treated like real friends now.  
Steve didn't regard him as a tag-along any more.

"Hey, guys. Nice to see ya. Come in!" Pony smiled.

They didn't need a second time to tell them and so they stormed in.  
Soda dropped himself with a plop on Pony's bed and hopped excited up and down.

"Hey, little buddy. Stop hoppin' here like crazy or else Pony's gonna spill his food." Darry admonished him with a shake of his head.

"What you've there such yummy stuff?" Two-Bit asked and pointed at the meal, which stood in front of Pony.

"Yummy? Are ya kiddin', Two-Bit? Ya can't call this stuff 'food'." Pony sulked.

"Aw, why? I think it's yummy. Anyhow, it looks better than my experiments of cookin'. Shall I feed ya?"

"Aw, stop it!" Pony meant acting angry.  
But he was glad that his brothers and friends were there for him and didn't take his awful behaviour amiss.

"What said the doctor? When could ya come out of here?" Steve asked now.

"Well, he said that I ain't to do any chemotherapy, but I've to take medicine for that. That's gonna help me with that somehow, don't know. By the way, I've to stay here few days." Ponyboy answered.

"Ya wanna go through this." Darry said optimistic and embraced Pony.

Some tests were done to see, if the operation really was successful and how the healing with the corresponding medicine treatment worked.  
And after a few days Pony really could go home, because the doctors regarded him as completely healthy.

The day Pony could go home, was his 15 birthday.

Darry and Steve drove into the hospital to pick Pony up. Then they drove home together. When they arrived there Two-Bit and Soda already waited for them.

"Hey Pony. Welcome home! And all the best for ya birthday!" Soda said to his kid brother and embraced him.

"Thanks, thanks for all!" Pony whispered and tears rolled down his cheeks.

"Come on and unpack your gifts." Two-Bit said and pulled Ponyboy with him.  
"Here, from me!" he said grinning and handed Pony a small packet.

"Thanks." Pony replied and unpacked it.

When he held it in his hands, he stared at it. It was a wig. But not such a wig as he thought. It was a wig with longer, greasy hair.

"Two-Bit!" Darry said strictly.

"Why ya gave him somethin' like that? How dare ya?" Steve asked reproachful. "That's really a completely unfit gift!"

"Sorry, guys, I thought..." Two-Bit began.

"Hey, that's ok. Thanks, Two-Bit. This wig shall always remind me that I had this bad disease and I would die. But it means too that I defeated it and I wanna live on! It's a very tuff gift!" Pony answered, turned around and embraced Two-Bit.

Then he unpacked the other gifts, but none of them was as tuff as Two-Bit's.  
Because he really meant what he said about this gift.  
This wig was a sign for him that he made it.

In this night he slept as well as he didn't for a long time.

So some time went by.  
Pony took his medicine and must be examined still often, if everything is all right. Fortunately the medicine took effect and Pony endured them as well.

And one day he defeated the cancer completely!


	12. Life is beautiful!

12. Life is beautiful!

And Pony also went to school again. Darry talked with Pony's teachers and the principal of the school and explained them what caused Pony's worse results.

The teachers showed some understanding and weren't that strict with his grades. Besides Pony should do extra homework, which he also did as full satisfaction of his teachers.

One day Pony would set off with Two-Bit at the end of a school day to the car, where Steve and Soda already waited for them to drive home. There he met with David.

"Aw, what do you know? I even thought you would be dead long ago! What a pity! Couldn't you simply die at least? Then we would lose one of your sorts again..." he sneered.

"Hey, damned Soc! Leave him alone or else..." Two-Bit defended Pony.

But Pony meant, "Stop it, Two-Bit. Soda was just right. He ain't worth this.  
By the way, I don't wanna do ya the favour and die!  
Actually Socs are the loser.  
They're only interested in their cars, their looks, money and other useless stuff. They believe they could allow and buy everythin' with their money. But there they ain't any idea, how it really looks like!  
It ain't the money what counts, but true friendship!  
'cause ya can't buy this with money! Ya can't buy true friends for all money of the world. And as long as they don't understand this, they always wanna be the losers for me. And we're the winner, even if we've got less than they. But we've got friendship and as long as we've got that, we're even richer than the Socs.  
And I don't wanna get involved in these rivals ever again, 'cause it's no use anyhow. Johnny also realized this when he died. And he really shouldn't die in vain.  
I wanna keep his wish and stay gold, whatever this means. But I guess I know it...  
And I don't wanna judge the different between Socs and Greasers any longer. Never ever again!  
My life's much too important for me to worry about that!  
These useless fights, they're simply unimportant. They're really a waste of time!  
But maybe ya wanna realize one day that ya ain't any part better than we with your shit money. That we're just people, quite ordinary people, all of us...  
And maybe it wanna be peace between our kinds sometime, too.  
That's what I always wished!" With that Pony turned away and walked past David to the car, where Steve and Soda even got out and watched this scene with mixed feelings.

David stared behind Pony puzzled. He couldn't believe what he heard.  
He expected to make Pony angry with that, so that this one would start a fight again and would be expelled from school for that reason.  
But he couldn't believe that Pony refused him now this way.  
So he stared behind Pony and Two-Bit, who followed Pony, speechless.  
He probably must look for another victim, that he could give hell.  
And with this thoughts David gritted his teeth and turned away.

"Hey Pony! What's the matter? Did David attack ya again? Has he done somethin' to ya?" Steve asked worried, when Two-Bit and Pony came closer to them.

"Aw yeah, but it ain't that bad!" Pony replied shrugging.

"This damned Soc!" Two-Bit grumbled. "I'd like to beat his trap!"

"Well, rather not, Two-Bit. He really ain't worth it!" Pony meant and climbed on the back seat.

"Um, maybe you're right..." Two- Bit thought about and scratched his head.

"Definitely I am!" Pony said and smiled.

"But ya know what? Pony handled that guy really tuff! As said, I'd like to beat him up! And what did Pony? He made a speech! But what speech, boy! And this guy was flabbergasted! That even knocked me out!" Two-Bit grinned, while he also got in and they drove off.

Behind them the sun set and dipped everything in its golden rays!


	13. Epilogue

11. Epilogue

And so Pony's will to life came back again, so that he even fought against his awful disease and really defeated it. Pony fully got well again, without getting a relapse.

He became a lovable and sociable boy again, who also got very good grades in school again.

And he also got along now with Steve, who didn't treat him as a tag-along any longer.  
He was respected by Steve now.

Pony's joy of life came back again and he was happy again, although there were few hours of mourning for his best friend. But he knew that he would see Johnny, and Dally too, and maybe then also his parents again and that encouraged him again.

And every time he looked in the sky, he remembered that Johnny would see him now from heaven. And at these thoughts he had to smile.

Yeah, that was it, what Johnny wanted, he should stay gold!


End file.
